Need opinions please

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Need opinions please

Postby Name » Tue May 12, 2020 7:46 am

I struggle with self confidence and it’s been something that’s difficult to overcome. My last boyfriend broke up with me out of nowhere when I asked why he liked me and couldn’t give me a reason so he broke up with me then my closest friends told me I was a terrible person a month afterwards and left me as well so I really don’t have any self esteem. With that in mind, I’ve been struggling. My boyfriend is really into anime and a lot of the women drawn in there are hardly wearing clothes. I know it’s just a drawing and I feel stupid for being bothered by it but it really upsets me when I look over at what he’s reading and I see practically naked girls. It hurts me. I’ve tried expressing it to him and he’ll listen in the moment but then nothing changes and I’ve tried tell him a few times. Am I crazy for being bothered by it? I just feel like he’s looking at other naked women and I really don’t like it and don’t think it’s right. I especially have a hard time because a lot of people look at anime for the crude drawings and to see inappropriate pictures. I just feel stupid cuz it’s just drawings but when it comes down to it, I’m very hurt and feel like he’s almost cheating on me to a certain extent. Somebody please help me and let me know if I’m overthinking it. I wanna move past this so badly.
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Re: Need opinions please

Postby GloryS » Tue May 12, 2020 8:06 am

It's just anime. What if you get to know that he watches porn? It's not a cheating, it doesn't mean he likes you less, it's normal, as well as to watch porn is normal.

You need to do something with your selfconfidence. If you can't work on it alone, reach to professional who helps you. People who surround you shouldn't suffer from it. Imagine always persuading someone that he/she is nice, loved, beautiful etc. One day it becomes tiring and it is definitely a turn off for a man.
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Re: Need opinions please

Postby Allie88 » Tue May 12, 2020 9:38 am

If your self confidence is at a level where its so crippling that you seem to have the need to control what other persons around you do, watch or see. And especially things you find inappropriate or they make you more insecure in yourself, you try to persuade them not to do, watch or enjoy - i think you need to seek professional help.

Not the kind you might think i assure you, but what i mean is someone that will be able to help you with CBT - cognitive behaviour therapy. There maybe certain things in yourself that you would like to work on to improve and make your everyday life more pleasant, positive and productive.

Especially because you struggle with self confidence, your compass of right and wrong maybe exceptionally warped and you need external help from a professional service so you can realign, work on your anxiety and insecurities so you can stop letting all these control your life, your relationships with friends, your relationship with boyfriends etc.

Just because something that makes no sense upsets you but brings him an enjoyment - why should he stop doing in on your account? It would be different if it was substance abuse or something that was doing him harm. But its cartoons. To me, this sort of things comes of very controlling and how many things do you expect your boyfriend to give up so you're satisfied and dont feel anxious - picture it, write it down, and i can guarantee it will look like total dictatorship madness, not an equal relationship between two people.

Most importantly, please please don't get discouraged, and please please work on your anxiety and self confidence, how wonderful would it be it one day you could get up in the morning with a smile and feeling free because anxiety and lack of self confidence are a thing of the past? That would be wonderful wouldn't it, so you should try and do something, so you could feel free and great about yourself :)
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Re: Need opinions please

Postby Name » Tue May 12, 2020 3:38 pm

I really appreciate you guys taking time to read and respond to my post. It’s very helpful. As for therapy, unfortunately I can’t afford that. Does anyone have any tips/advice of how to overcome this at home? I just really wanna try to get past it
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Re: Need opinions please

Postby Pattygreene » Tue May 12, 2020 5:29 pm

There are plenty of self-help books that can help you with your confidence. I haven’t personally read Mandy Hale but some of her books are about confidence and building self-esteem.
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Re: Need opinions please

Postby Sadnconfused » Tue May 12, 2020 5:44 pm

I’m not saying anything towards you, but I would probably break up with someone if they tried to stop telling me to read something “because it made them uncomfortable” Don’t look at what I’m reading them. I’ve broken up with guys that didn’t want me hanging out with my gay friend because he didn’t approve of that “lifestyle”. They are my friends, don’t worry about it. It would be one thing if he was messaging hotter girls or sightseeing when y’all went out but he is in his home, with you around, reading a book. And until you over react with a book everything was chill. No one likes drama or crazy girls. So don’t care what ppl find you. Confidence is more attractive than physical appearance. Go out and find yourself and stick to it :)
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Re: Need opinions please

Postby Name » Tue May 12, 2020 6:01 pm

Sadnconfused, that’s why I’m trying to fix this. I hate that I feel this way and want to get over it. I feel like such an idiot for feeling this way and am trying to overcome it because I know it’s not far. I’m so frustrated with myself and just want this feeling gone:/
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Re: Need opinions please

Postby Allie88 » Tue May 12, 2020 8:07 pm

When youre working on something like this solo its much harder because you dont really have anyone to align yourself against if that makes sense and even with a therapist its also a slippery slope - if its a wrong one.
If you wanna start working on it, CBT themed books are a good start, and i would say stay away from YouTube since there are a lot of unqualified fake counselors there with very screwed viewpoints and that is also dangerous.

First step is always to identify a behavior in yourself that you don't like that also negatively impact on your day to day life and other people - for example insecurity to the point of getting upset over slightly graphic animated girls. You need try to get to the root of what is the issue. Is it jealousy, possessiveness, lack of trust, what is it. That's why its hard on your own because its easier to lie to yourself. But you need to figure out what the most disgusting reason is its happening and work on that. Then because you would now be aware of reasons, how it happens, you would start working on catching yourself out in the moments before it happens, and this time you would not let that feeling develop as you would either distract yourself or take yourself out of the situation and analyse what you wanted to do, whether that's bad/ good. Go over again what would be considered right approach of non reactivity in that situation and whether that situation really has any impact on you, your life or relationship.

Cant really give more than that but it's kind of similar to what i've done myself.

There are a lot of books on amazon on CBT topics like anxiety, depression etc, some are even on sale. If you have a kindle or a kindle app you can buy them and download directly, and they are much much cheaper than face to face. Rooting for you! Trust me its worth it. I can now step out of the house and not have a mini panic attack that someone is going to hurt me. From dozens of books i think you will find one for you.
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Re: Need opinions please

Postby Name » Tue May 12, 2020 10:55 pm

Allie88, thank you so much for that advice. I’m definitely gonna look into those books because this is something I don’t wanna continue to have. I appreciate everyone’s posts! They’ve been super helpful. Hopefully I can get over this!!
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