Sad and disappointed in new marriage

Relationship with your partner

Sad and disappointed in new marriage

Postby WildFire » Mon Sep 16, 2019 10:53 pm

Hey everyone,

I’m feeling a bit sad and disappointed of late. Ive been married a year and 5 months. I relocated from England to Texas, I have no family or support network here and my green card is in limbo.

My stepson has made my life challenging. He is 15 turning on to 16. When he arrived last year, he didnt respect my boundaries and was constantly violating my personal space. My husband said it will get better. He came back after the summer, now he’s ignoring me, sees me walks away, heres me in the kitchen shuts and locks his door etc. I know it sounds silly but I was severly mentally, sexually and emotionally abused as a child and into my adulthood. A lot of the treatment included silent treatment, ignoring me and unlocking my bedroom door whilst I was asleep. He has done all of these things. Ive tried to manage my feelings but I think Im not OK.

I tried talking to my husband but he seems to defend his son and not speak to his son. I tried talking to the stepson and now he wears head phones to avoid me.

Im disappointed that my husband didnt understand this. And I feel like Im supposed to put up with this. I had asked my stepson to chores (basically clean up after himself) and that turned into a massive headache.

Ive been doing so well with coping with my triggers that I feel ashamed I cant do it at the moment. Im so exhausted of it all. I feel uncomfortable and anxious in my own home.

Edit 26th Sept:

My mum is sick and I was thinking about going to England to visit. A few weeks ago my husband text and asked if i would fly out in November so Ilijahs step siblings could visit our home. So i asked my husband how would this work - we live in a two bedroom, hes always at work etc. Ive met neither kid- ones 19 yr old boy and the other a 13yr old girl. Since my stepson doesnt speak to me etc, I wasnt sure how this would work. My husband never answered my questions. I thought about it and said no to changing my plans. And if he was going to be taking time off work we can discuss it. He said nevermind. I thought conversation is over.

Today I came back from the gym and heard Ilijah talk to his sister on a video call. Hes planning their visit. My husband is on the balcony. I ask him if he told Ilijah that his siblings arent coming. He says no because they are. I tell him we didnt discuss it and I said no. He then says, it doesnt matter theyre coming. Im upset at this point bcos he appears to not respect anything I say. I walk away to calm down.

I go back and tell him that Im upset that hes not respecting me and didnt even consult me about this. He says we talked about it face to face. Which isnt true. Then he proceeds to say Im the problem - that Ilijah does as he’s asked to and doesnt do it as I expect it. I told him nothing had changed, his son was still ignoring me etc. Anyway, he said that the Ilijahs step siblings were coming whether I liked it or not. These are not his kids btw. I got fed up with him - he basically told me i was lying and that he did discuss this but in reality these kids would have showed up. I wouldnt have known and then had no choice whilst they all ignored me and went out together. Ilijah doesnt include me in anything or want me to be a part of the time he spends with his dad.

Im so upset, I want to get some space to think. I feel this is his house, he decides what happens, who comes, etc and I dont even matter.

I was gathering my thoughts to tell him how i felt about the lack of respect. I wouldnt have had a problem with the visit if I had been atleast considered in the entire discussion.

Please advice
Last edited by WildFire on Fri Sep 27, 2019 3:42 am, edited 1 time in total.
WildFire
 
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Re: Sad and disappointed in new marriage

Postby Twiki » Tue Sep 17, 2019 8:26 am

Oh man... What a mess.
The first thing I have to ask, is your husband aware of your past? If he is, then I am appalled that he lets his son do this. This is so disrespectful from both of them!
I would put my foot down in this. You don't deserve to be treated like this! If the son doesn't listen to you, then you should discipline him. Take away stuff from him. But if your husband isn't ok with this, then it will be a failure.
If you can't make your husband understand this, then I don't know if this marriage will stand a chance.
You have been married for such a short time and your husband is already disrespecting you.
And you moved from your country for him! I am really shocked ?
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Re: Sad and disappointed in new marriage

Postby Pia90 » Tue Sep 17, 2019 9:26 am

Ok I just have a different opinion about this whole thing. If I was a 14/15 year old an my father brought in his new wife, things would have to go extremely slowly for me to adjust. First of all, if she came in, trying to make rules, I'd be extremely pissed. I think it's different if the child is pree teen but as a teenager, we tend to think we have everything figured out and we are mature enough to make pur own decisions(e.g when to clean up after us). I personally think that coming in and making rules so early on was not the right way to do it. When my mothers new husband did that, my sister felt like he came to take over the house. She did exactly what your step son is doing. She gave him the silent treatment and eventually moved out at 17. She said, it wasn't that she disliked him but he came, was nice but was trying to change some stuff and traditions and worst thing, he was trying to tell her to keep this and that tidy and clean ( also in a nice way) but she wasn't having it. In her mind she knews when to clean or not to clean her stuff, she had her own timing. She felt that he was invading her home. And I'd feel the way too. While it's true, you have to feel confortable in your own house, your the adult and he is the kid, so he is going to struggle more with changes like that, so it would have been best to not make any changes at first and adapt to their living situations first. Once they get used to you, that's when you make suggestions. Even if he wasn't living with your husband at first. He knew his das w/o you in the picture.
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Re: Sad and disappointed in new marriage

Postby lezzle » Tue Sep 17, 2019 12:51 pm

My daughter was 17 when my partner moved in. We'd been seeing each other for a year beforehand and we gave her plenty of notice before the event. She was a nightmare, told me she was getting pushed out of her own home and felt that she "couldn't breathe" She didn't really give him a chance even though he did his utmost to fit in with our routine. Fast forward 3 and a half years and they are the best of friends and respect each other. You need patience and time, don't criticise and tell them what to do. This is their territory and they will feel that it's been invaded. My daughter thought after my marriage broke down that it would be just me and her against the world, she had no idea that I would find love again and be with someone who would love, respect and look after us. She is mortified now when she looks back and has no explanation other than hormones. This will be a long road with lots of bumps along the way so you'll need to find ways of coping with a petulant child. Always smile and say "hi" even when you want to wring their neck and you must let Dad do the disciplining. I'm not saying to pick up after them but when they see you're not sorting out their washing then they'll have to communicate and be civil. Good luck x
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Re: Sad and disappointed in new marriage

Postby WildFire » Tue Sep 17, 2019 3:18 pm

Thank you for your replies and input, really appreciate it. Yes, I had told my husband about the past as I was dealing with it when we met.

I’ve thought a lot about the stepson’s perspective. I can not see how I may have tried to implement rules early on. Bearing in mind, he was living with his mum 4 years before he chose to come live with us. Granted it was early in our marriage but I was already here. And I never enforced any ways- I’m Vegeterian and follow a spiritual way of life.

From the beginning, I gave him lots of time with my husband because I understood he needed it. But, he would always cut me off, block me out, going out and if my husband asked if I wanted to come, he would say no and bot even give me a chance to speak. Hijack our tine together. My husband works long hours so they would go to basketball training twice week and not return until11/12 in the night. Plus play ball for hours on the weekend. At this point I didnt know anyone and was alone pretty much long hours.

Then he started to not respect my personal space, he would always been in our room. If my husband was having a nap, he’d be sleeping in our bed, where we went, he would follow us. Id have to leave the apartment to get space. Then he would unlock our bedroom door and one night he unlocked at 3am whilst we were asleep. I was petrified and it triggered a flashback. This dead set me off and my husband told him about my childhood without my consent to make him understand, which he still didnt do.

He would deliberately yhrow things at me, when I wasnt looking and my husband said he was trying to bond through play. Although at the time, he told me to die. Amongst other things like- when my dad divorces you, you will have nowhere to go, I wouldnt be caught dead with you- this is regardless that I was taking him out and doing things/ spending money on him, I dont see why my dad married you, dont know why ypu think you will last. All of this was unprovoked- I never discussed anything with him other that social, light stuff.

I asked him to put the bins out because I was going to go be out. He outrightly ignored me, then proceeded to not speak to me. Bought friends over, and didnt even let me know or speak to me, just walked right past me.

Since he arrived:
1. I was picking him up after bb games 10/11pm at night. He was rude to both me and uber driver
2. His meals were cooked- he always complained and left dishes in the fridge, on the cooker, on the counter etc
3. He would pit dirty dishes in a clean dishwasher
4. If dishwasher was full, he would then pile in sink
5. Leave uneaten food in the sink etc
6. I was doing his laundry, folding it and putting it away
7. I would clean his room/ bathroom in which I found he was hiding food
8. I would take him out, ask him about his day/games/ feelings etc- if he needed something he would ask me.

Etc etc. I only started to ask him to pick up after himself, when I realised he didnt respect me. I was treated badly a lot growing up and noticed the patterns. And stopped. He pretty much is negative and complains about everything.

Summer came, he went to his mum, my husband and I had a great time. He returned in the last week of August.

Now, in a space of a week- he locked me out of the apartment. Were in Texas, I was in the heat for an hour and half. Phone, keys, wallet in the house. He offered me no apology.

1. He hasnt spoken to me since he came. I speak to him he ignores me.
2. He sees me and slams doors.
3. He hears me and locks his bedroom door (Ive not been in his room)
4. He hides food
5. I came back home from a day out, he labelled food
6. I tried to air it out with him- I text him too but he ignores me
7. I walk in the room, he gives me dirty looks
8. If hes leaving his room, sees me goes back and locks door
9. If hes walking in the house, he wears headphones etc

My husband is at work, doesnt see any of it. I dont see what warrants this behaviour. And it is triggering for me. Ive always found it hard to voice my feelings, and when I have done, I feel unheard. My husband says hes not home at consistency is the problem but I think its an excuse because my husband doesnt see why its important. Im not trying to be the victim but I really cant see how asking someone to be respectful is too demanding or to pick up after themselves. If he hasnt done things my husband will come home and do it.

Maybe its me, Im the problem. I dont know anymore. I feel Ive been through a lot in a year, with adjusting to a new country, a new marriage, a new step son. Ive done my best to be kind and considerate, however, I also realise Im not coping.

Thank you for listening.
WildFire
 
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Re: Sad and disappointed in new marriage

Postby WildFire » Tue Sep 17, 2019 3:25 pm

I’m not sure I have the words to explain why this is upsetting me. Guess abuse has funny ways of coming up.
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Re: Sad and disappointed in new marriage

Postby Twiki » Tue Sep 17, 2019 4:28 pm

I totally understand you. This has really gone too far. Especially the bedroom thing. This isn't normal rebellion, this is war. I understand how this is more upsetting to you than other women.
I can feel the despair in your message. ?
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Re: Sad and disappointed in new marriage

Postby Annsar_04 » Tue Sep 17, 2019 6:12 pm

Hey just read this. Please forgive if my english is not correct.

Please consider yourself in the boys shoes. He was happily living with his father and mother and then some problems arise with his parents and he is not mature enough to understand the reasons. So what the boy thinks is that you had come to his fathers life and this has bought commotion to his already happy life. So even before your marriage the boy started hating you. Even if it was some other women he would hate her bcoz (he thinks) she was the one who ruined his life. So please consider his hatred towards you is not personal. Its his age and the mental strain that he had to undergo bcoz of his parents divorce. So he dosent know the emotions your are going through and ypu dont understand the pain he is going through. It takes time for him to heal and understand you. So please dont overthink yourself and be disappointed. Whenever you feel low just consider that the boy is also going through the same thing. Just think that he needs more love from you (more than his mothers) for him to treat you like his father.
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Re: Sad and disappointed in new marriage

Postby WildFire » Tue Sep 17, 2019 7:10 pm

Thank you for your replies. I totally understand I have to deal with my triggers. I’m trying. I have started to look at therapy options. I know the signs, I’m anxious, crying for no reason and feel panicked. It’s like I’m not sure what he will do next - and It reminds me of emotional abuse when people to act in unpredictable ways.

With regards to offering him love. I have offered him kindness, love and compassion. I have also empathetically looked at this from his point. Yes he left his mum to live with us but it was his own choice.

For clarity- his parents were never married, they split up before his birth - now 16 years ago. His dad raised him until he was 10. Then he chose to live with his mother and visit his dad in the holidays. He also chose the come back to stay with his dad last year. So, in reality he was never not aware that his parents were separated and not going to get back together. My husband hasn’t even spoken to his mum in years because he thinks she’s crazy.

I understand he’s a child and needs love, but no one really is actually doing or saying anything to him. Other than asking him to be mindful and respectful.

This is about his behaviour has triggered my history with abuse and not feeling supported by my husband.

Thank you again for your kindness
WildFire
 
Posts: 229
Joined: Sun May 26, 2019 9:58 am

Re: Sad and disappointed in new marriage

Postby WildFire » Tue Sep 17, 2019 7:12 pm

Thank you for your replies. I totally understand I have to deal with my triggers. I’m trying. I have started to look at therapy options. I know the signs, I’m anxious, crying for no reason and feel panicked. It’s like I’m not sure what he will do next - and It reminds me of emotional abuse when people to act in unpredictable ways.

With regards to offering him love. I have offered him kindness, love and compassion. I have also empathetically looked at this from his point. Yes he left his mum to live with us but it was his own choice.

For clarity- his parents were never married, they split up before his birth - now 16 years ago. His dad raised him until he was 10. Then he chose to live with his mother and visit his dad in the holidays. He also chose the come back to stay with his dad last year. So, in reality he was never not aware that his parents were separated and not going to get back together. My husband hasn’t even spoken to his mum in years because he thinks she’s crazy.

I understand he’s a child and needs love, but no one really is actually doing or saying anything to him. Other than asking him to be mindful and respectful.

This is about his behaviour has triggered my history with abuse and not feeling supported by my husband.

Thank you again for your kindness
WildFire
 
Posts: 229
Joined: Sun May 26, 2019 9:58 am

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