My rant. No need to respond

Re: My rant. No need to respond

Postby Machsky_yt » Fri Apr 30, 2021 5:05 pm

what song was it if you don't mind me asking
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Re: My rant. No need to respond

Postby Ange Démoniaque » Fri Apr 30, 2021 5:11 pm

ØNamelessØ wrote:Of course, don’t even worry about that argument before, it’s water under the bridge😄

Oh good!

It wasn’t one particular song.
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Re: My rant. No need to respond

Postby ØNamelessØ » Sun May 02, 2021 8:55 pm

It’s times like now that make me feel like I’m being dramatic when I’m upset. Right now nothings wrong. I feel fine. Maybe I was stupid to get so upset about something that has calmed down abit now.
I need to get out of this thought process though or I’ll be stuck back in the same cycle. Mum abuses me emotionally, I get upset and angry and really depressed, mum stops for a while, I think that I was overreacting and she’s not that bad and then it repeats. Over and over again. I’m tired, physically, mentally and emotionally. I just don’t have the energy anymore. I don’t even have enough energy to be sad. I’m kind of just... idk? Fine? Well I’m not fine, but I don’t know how to describe it. I don’t feel anything at all. It’s annoying. I don’t want to live. I don’t want to die. I kind of want to disappear and have things be like they would if I never even existed.
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Re: My rant. No need to respond

Postby beautiful_bi_queen » Sun May 02, 2021 8:57 pm

i get what you’re saying, i feel the same about my own life.
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Re: My rant. No need to respond

Postby Selenelion » Sun May 02, 2021 9:15 pm

Thats how it works its a contibous cycle of hurt
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Re: My rant. No need to respond

Postby ØNamelessØ » Tue May 04, 2021 7:44 pm

My sister was trying to tell my mum about something (guessing it was important by the tone of her voice) but you want to know what my mum did? She spoke over her, yelled at her and didn’t let her talk then as soon and she was done yelling she had the audacity to ask my sister what was wrong. It went a little something like this

Sister: ‘mum can I talk to you about something’
Mum: ‘I WAS TALKING TO YOU THEN! YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO ME AND LOOK AT ME WHEN I TALK. TREAT ME WITH RESPECT, NOT LIKE DIRT OFF THE BOTTOM OF YOUR SHOE!’
Sister: ‘mum can I tell you it?’
Mum: ‘WHAT HAVE I JUST TOLD YOU ABOUT INTERRUPTING ME?! I RAISED YOU BETTER THAN THAT. IM JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU AND YOUR TAKING THAT ATTITUDE WITH ME?!’
(After not even half a minute)
Mum: ‘ok what did you want to tell me?’

My sister was clearly hesitant to tell her, and I don’t blame the poor kid. She’s always being told that she can trust her mum and talk to her about anything, but whenever she tries to she gets yelled at.
Once I tried to intervene and stand up for my sister but I just got ‘it’s none of your business, I’m talking to her not you’
In the end she made up some lie about a blocked nose to get my mum to stop bugging her about it. I could tell it was a lie because I’ve lied in the same way before, but my mum clearly didn’t see through it.

Yall don’t understand how hard it is. I have to listen to my poor little sister, who is also sick rn with a cough and stuffed nose, get yelled at and I couldn’t do shit to help. Actually, I’m lying to myself. I could have done something, but I’m not in the mood today to get yelled at so I was selfish and left her to put up with that.
My mum seems to be in a bad mood today. I was having a panic attack earlier. It wasn’t anything major, I had to keep it kind of hidden? I know that won’t make sense, but yknow when you have panic attacks in public and you don’t want anyone to notice so you pretend your okay and try to leave the situation? It was like that. Except my mum didn’t let me leave. I was clearly annoyed and my brain was in fight or flight mode. Yet she wouldn’t let me go to the bathroom to calm down. Like she actually moved and stood in my way.
It’s not an excuse I know it isn’t, I should have helped the poor kid anyway, no matter what I’m going through. It’s just hard.
Also, my mum regularly says ‘oh my god, I’m gonna knock you out’ when she’s annoyed. It’s so regular that I didn’t question it because I thought it was normal, but would that count towards abuse? She never actually beats us though, it’s just empty threats, but now that I’ve realised that it’s actually a threat it scares me whenever I hear it.
Whenever my mum finishes arguing with my sister she comes into my room and tried to make a joke. Usually something like ‘morngey her, int she?’ After every f**cking fight she has with one of us she goes to the other and plays victim. I don’t know if she’s doing it on purpose but it’s like she’s trying to put us against eachother or something. Anyway that’s it for my rant today. It’s abit all over the place because my thoughts are messed up.
Btw, I just heard the ‘I’m gonna knock you out’ again. Fun🙂
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Re: My rant. No need to respond

Postby Machsky_yt » Tue May 04, 2021 7:45 pm

nameless it going to be okay I didn't read it all I'm sorry
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Re: My rant. No need to respond

Postby ØNamelessØ » Tue May 04, 2021 8:02 pm

Thank you mach, I can’t blame you for not reading it, I kinda went on a writing rampage. This app is the closest thing I can have to a diary because my mum would read it if I wrote it down but she’d find it in my phone if I used notes or a diary app😅
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Re: My rant. No need to respond

Postby Machsky_yt » Tue May 04, 2021 8:05 pm

it ok they must have been there before mother are not trustworthy no personal space.
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Re: My rant. No need to respond

Postby ØNamelessØ » Wed May 05, 2021 8:49 pm

I DIDNT EXPECT THIS ONE TO GET SO HEAVY, PLEASE BE CAREFUL AS THERE ARE GRAPHIC MENTIONS OF PLANNED SUICIDES. ITS AT THE END, BUT PLEASE DONT READ IF IT TRIGGERS YOU

I’m going to explain my housing situation before this rant so anyone actually following along with this can understand what I mean when I’m referring to a certain place.
My mums place is a flat. The building has 4 flats altogether and were in the one upstairs. 3 bedroom and a small shared garden.
My grandparents place is also a flat, but theirs is way bigger. 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom, and more spacious in general.
My grandparents also own a caravan like 10 minutes away that we stay at regularly.
If I say I’m with my grandparents I’m at their flat. If I say I’m at caravan well I’m at the caravan. And mums place is her flat.

Currently I’m at the caravan. I skipped school today and tagged along with my grandparents on their errands. They went out like 4 hours ago to meet up with some friends. Not a surprise, they’re drinkers. I mean honestly what adult brit isn’t (don’t come at me, where I am everyone drinks). But my nans a loud, truthful drunk. My mums an emotional one. And my grandad is too good at holding his drink, I’ve barely seen him drunk.

Well, I was alone in the caravan for the 4 hours. Then they came back. My nan was stumbling, talking really loudly, so on. Then she starts quizzing me and putting words into my mouth. We recently moved here (like a year ago) and she seems to think I’m not happy. The gist of what she was saying then was
‘I know your not happy here’
‘Tell me the truth’
‘You don’t have to lie about it’
‘We can go back, if that’ll make you happy’
There was more but I don’t want to have to remember it. Then she started coming out with something I never thought I’d hear.
‘Has *mums bf* made any sexual advances on you’
That’s when my mind went blank. I mean don’t get me wrong, he hasn’t, but I knew that if I messed up what I said she’d think I was lying. So I cracked a huge smile (I tend to smile when I’m nervous so it was hard stopping myself from smiling in the first place) and said ‘no, why would he?’
I couldn’t have just said some bullshit thing like pretending I didn’t know what she meant. That was one option gone. I could have lied and said he did, just to get him finally gone but I’m not that much of a bi*ch. Second option gone. I couldn’t get up and walk away. Caravans are small and the only door with a lock is the bathroom. I’d have a panic attack in too small of a space with someone banging on the door. Third option gone. So smiling was my only option.
I hate dealing with drunk adults, especially my mum and Nan. Everyone in my family seems to think I’m not f**cking happy. I’m not about to lie to them and say I’m fine, so usually I say,
‘I never said that. It’s okay here!’
I’m not basically lying. I never said I wasn’t happy, and it is okay here. I don’t mind it. Even if I didn’t move back I wouldn’t get any happier. Infact I’d probably get worse. I don’t want people who I grew up with seeing me like this. I don’t want to ruin the perfect image of ‘happy social butterfly’ that I spent years creating with my depression. If I went back there... I can’t even imagine it. I hate the people there. f**cking dispise them. Well, the people who were my friends anyway. The others are okay. But that friend group.... I can’t even deal with that.
To people looking in from the outside it was perfect. We were fairly popular, all of us were smart, we were all happy. I was the perfect group.
But in reality it was filled with a handful of bs. There was so much drama. We lied, we gossiped, we talked about people behind their backs. It wasn’t even discreet. We literally just pointed and laughed, or dramatically whispered while looking at someone.
And if I do go back and actually manage to not fall back into that group, I’ll be the one getting laughed at. Made fun of. And it’s not like I can make any other friends because most of them know me as a gossiping bi*ch.

Wait I did it again. I overthought about a situation that won’t happen. I’ll never go back there. Nu uh. Nope. Never gonna get to go back.

Back to the real problems with my family.
They seem to have this idea stuck in their mind that I’m really sad. In reality, I just stopped caring about what they thought and didn’t pretend to be happy. They don’t seem to know that just because I’m not smiling and laughing and constantly talking to a friend on face time that I’m depressed. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely am, but they shouldn’t think that just because I don’t want friends.
It’s not even just my family, it’s literally every adult I’m close to. My counsellor keeps saying shit like ‘your not yourself today.’ No, I am, she just seems to also think that I’m the perfect, happy girl.
My teachers keep asking me if I’m okay.
What is it that makes them think I’m not? Is it because I sit alone at lunch? It is because I don’t answer questions? Is it because I struggle to smile? Is it because I never laugh? I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong to make them think like this. I’m completely fine but even keeps bugging me. I don’t get it. Why does nobody believe me when I tell them I’m ok? It’s f**cking frustrating. What do they want me to do to make them believe me? Should I get out of my very comfortable comfort zone and try make friends with people I don’t even like? Should I start making group after group on whatsapp to talk to people I talked shit about just a few hours ago? Should I smile even when it f**cking hurts? I don’t get it. They won’t believe me when I tell them I’m okay but keep bugging me. What will it take for them to realise they they’re the reason for most of my stress? My anger? My depression?
f**cking sick of it. But I’m too much of a coward to do anything about it. I can’t stand up to adults. I can’t make friends. I can’t smile. I can’t laugh. Am I the one who’s wrong? Is it my fault? Maybe if I weren’t such a shit person I would be happy? Maybe if I weren’t there they would be happy..?
Maybe I would if I could get to the top of a tall building. A quick but painful death would be nice. I don’t have the guts to stab myself. The only other option is to drown or jump off a building. Drowning wouldn’t work, my reflexes won’t let me. I could strangle myself, but idk where I’d get a rope or place to hang it. Yeah, so my only option is jumping. But there aren’t any easily accessible rooftops here. If I’m gonna die, I wanna do it right. Not end up somewhere in a hospital on life support. So I’d need a tall a*s building and nobody around. That’s practically f**cking impossible.
I’m making excuses. f**k my f**cking subconscious. My conscience fully wants to die but ig subconsciously I don’t want to, so I’m making excuses to stop myself. I even have my suicide note written, so why can’t I do it?
f**cking stupid.
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