My rant. No need to respond

Re: My rant. No need to respond

Postby Selenelion » Sun Apr 25, 2021 4:22 pm

This isn't right. Starving yourself is not the way to lose weight, you also can't go on a hunger strike for your own health, or because you are mad at your mom. (Which is justified) if you want cps/authorities involved you need to get them involved... and she could just force feed you or send you to the hospital where you would essentially be force fed as well. This is not a good plan.

I know it seems hopeless but you've got to hang on until you are 18 or call cps.

Also someone can't be awkward so your mom has sh*t grammer
Selenelion
 
Posts: 4621
Joined: Fri Aug 14, 2020 6:22 pm
Location: Somewhere over the rainbow

Re: My rant. No need to respond

Postby ØNamelessØ » Mon Apr 26, 2021 5:28 am

Yes yes I know it’s a bad idea but even if she does notice whe won’t send me to a hospital. I’ve been raised to not reach out for help, so it’s still kind of uncomfortable for me to. I just silently scream and hope someone notices haha. By awkward she was just pissed that I asked to go, that was my fault I should have known not to try
User avatar
ØNamelessØ
 
Posts: 1250
Joined: Fri Mar 12, 2021 8:02 pm

Re: My rant. No need to respond

Postby Selenelion » Mon Apr 26, 2021 2:53 pm

well, I get that. Living as an abused kid is silently screaming at the top of your lungs...
Selenelion
 
Posts: 4621
Joined: Fri Aug 14, 2020 6:22 pm
Location: Somewhere over the rainbow

Re: My rant. No need to respond

Postby ØNamelessØ » Thu Apr 29, 2021 10:09 pm

Heyhey me again, this one will probably be longggg. Hard to believe it’s only been 4 days since I last posted here. The days are dragging. It’s better now. Not good, but okay. My family are still avoiding the main issue. Nobody will talk about what happened, and even if they do they end up slagging eachother off. My mums boyfriend is STILL here. He was meant to be gone friday, then he wasn’t. Then he was supposed to be gone Sunday, he wasn’t. They’re probably back together now. It always goes like this, it’s a f**cking awful cycle to be slap bang in the middle of. My mums getting easier to handle. That might be because I’m used to it though. She’s trying to push her ideas of a perfect family onto me and show everyone how perfect we are. Everytime I succeed at something everyone off her friends knows due to a call from her. My school sends postcard things home to parents if a kid has been excelling in their class. I’ve had 7 this month, apparently that good? (I’m not trying to brag, I genuinely don’t know). All the Facebook friends are aware of it.
Every single time I do something right I’m showered with praise and love but whenever I do something wrong I’m screamed at and degraded. I know for a fact that this isn’t right. It’s manipulative. But my head is filling with these thoughts now. I have to do good. I have to be perfect. I have to make sure I’m never wrong. I can’t mess up. I know that I’m being unrealistic and unreasonable, nobody is perfect. I know that, but at the same time I don’t agree with it.
The constant praise is getting on my nerves though. I actually considered failing my math test and purposely moving down from top set (I didn’t end up going through with it and got full marks).
It’s just annoying being good at school. I know some of yall will think I’m bragging and being bratty, but I don’t mean to come off like that. I genuinely hate being good at it. Even if I try to fail I can’t and still end up passing. There’s so much pressure it’s making me want to stop and give up. The expectations are way too high.
I spoke with my social worker again today. She dropped into my school for a surprise visit. I honestly love her, she’s such a nice person. Now that I’ve talked to her in a setting where my mum isn’t there interrupting me and glaring at me I know I can trust her. I don’t even trust my family.
My mum on the other hand it trying to play her as the villain. Literally. When I got home I was basically questioned but in an indirect way. ‘What did you talk about’ ‘anything important?’ ‘You don’t have to tell me then.’ ‘What did she say?’
Ok maybe it wasn’t so indirect. It’s just irritating because we actually didn’t talk about anything important. I ended up lying again, telling her my mums bf isn’t here. She asked how I was and actually checked up on my mental health. Of course I didn’t tell her shit, but it’s nice to know she’s there.
My mum went on a rant. Saying that she shouldn’t be trusted because she’s trying to take me and my sister away. I know for a fact that this isn’t true. She’s trying to make sure we’re safe. And if that means taking us away then yeah she will, it’s her job. But my mum doesn’t seem to get that. My little sister thinks that her f**cking social worker, the one there to help her, is trying to separate us because my mum keeps filling her head with bullshit.
Talked to my counsellor too after school. We went to the park near our house (me her our dog and my sister) and just went through the normal stuff. ‘How are you feeling 1-10’ ‘what was the best part of your week’
I love her as a person but those questions are awful. I usually say my week is a 7/10 and the best part of my week was school. That’s my go-to lie. If I told her the truth it’d look bad, right? If I told her I’m actually at a 2/10 and my week has been shit then I’d be attention seeking.
Actually, I’m attention seeking right now. I shouldn’t be telling anyone.
That’s another thing, too. I feel like my depression isn’t valid. I started off as one of those ‘emo’ kids who played at depression because it was cool. I’m not proud of it, but I won’t lie about it either. That was a couple years ago, and somewhere along the line it turned into real depression. But what if it didn’t? What if I’m still doing this for the attention? I mean, I’m happy sometimes. I still have friends. But part of me keeps the idea that depressed people are always sad and loners. I know it’s not true, but that was my first introduction to depression. So what if I’m faking it? What if my feelings aren’t real? Maybe I’m doing this because I was attention deprived? it f**cking huts when I think of this. I mean, why else would I tell people, other than attention. For help? No. I don’t need help, because I’m faking it, right? It’s f**cking painful. It stings. I can actually feel it in my chest. Maybe I’m not in pain at all. My feelings aren’t real. My depression never existed...
That got deep, haha. I’m fine, though. Really, I’m fine. That’s what I say when people ask anyway :)
User avatar
ØNamelessØ
 
Posts: 1250
Joined: Fri Mar 12, 2021 8:02 pm

Re: My rant. No need to respond

Postby ØNamelessØ » Thu Apr 29, 2021 10:19 pm

Smiling hurts, but so does crying. So I just keep a frown. All day. Every minute. People are noticing, but nobody has said anything. Well, my counsellor did say that I look more like myself. Not sure how I should take that, considering where my mental health is at. I’m tired now so I’m going to sleep. Haven’t slept in over 24 hours, haha. When I tried to sleep I heard shit that scared me out of it. It was in my imagination. I heard the voices of all my family and friends, all talking over eachother at once shouting insults at me. It’s funny though because the voices were so clear it’s almost like they were in the room. Hopefully in doesn’t happen this time😅. I’m not shitting you, I really thought they were here. It was scary. Loud. They wouldn’t stop. They wouldn’t be quiet. I thought my eardrums were about to burst. Hearing like 13 people shout at eachother is annoying, ‘specially when your trying to sleep.
Well, g’night
User avatar
ØNamelessØ
 
Posts: 1250
Joined: Fri Mar 12, 2021 8:02 pm

Re: My rant. No need to respond

Postby Machsky_yt » Fri Apr 30, 2021 3:10 pm

nameless I could not read this all but it going to be ok just keep your head up and stay strong
User avatar
Machsky_yt
 
Posts: 4087
Joined: Sat Apr 24, 2021 4:29 pm
Location: gone

Re: My rant. No need to respond

Postby ØNamelessØ » Fri Apr 30, 2021 4:38 pm

Thanks? I thought you left or got banned?
User avatar
ØNamelessØ
 
Posts: 1250
Joined: Fri Mar 12, 2021 8:02 pm

Re: My rant. No need to respond

Postby Machsky_yt » Fri Apr 30, 2021 4:48 pm

it was a month banned I need it my head was messed up
User avatar
Machsky_yt
 
Posts: 4087
Joined: Sat Apr 24, 2021 4:29 pm
Location: gone

Re: My rant. No need to respond

Postby Ange Démoniaque » Fri Apr 30, 2021 5:00 pm

Hey Nameless. I’m really sorry you are going through all of this. And I’m sorry about before. I know it was a bit ago now, but that fight we had over the music was kind of dumb. And it shouldn’t have gotten so bad. Im sorry for how I acted. Do you think we could be friends again?
User avatar
Ange Démoniaque
 
Posts: 2321
Joined: Sun Mar 28, 2021 9:54 am

Re: My rant. No need to respond

Postby ØNamelessØ » Fri Apr 30, 2021 5:04 pm

Of course, don’t even worry about that argument before, it’s water under the bridge😄
User avatar
ØNamelessØ
 
Posts: 1250
Joined: Fri Mar 12, 2021 8:02 pm

PreviousNext

Return to Relationship with Parents

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest