My rant. No need to respond

My rant. No need to respond

Postby ØNamelessØ » Thu Apr 22, 2021 10:14 pm

I’m sorry if I swear in this. I’m just venting down what comes to me to get it all out my system, so I’ll edit this or delete it later when I’m feeling ok.

It’s taken me until now to realise that my family life is messed up. You know why it took so long? Because I keep getting told that I’m lucky.
Just because my family loves me doesn’t make me lucky. Just because I have a roof over my head doesn’t mean I’m lucky. Just because I have a good education doesn’t mean I’m lucky. Sure, I have it easier than some people, but that doesn’t mean I can’t complain about it.
My family never ever acknowledges any problems. They just act like nothing even happened, and I can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to pretended to love my family anymore when I so clearly dont.
Mum gets stabbed? Move on, old news🙄. Mum gets arrested? Avoid the question and pretend it didn’t happen😒.
Am I the only one who thinks it’s ridiculous? I don’t want to move on and forget what happened. I want to talk about it and face my problems, but everyone refuses to. This is how I realised that I’m not lucky. My family won’t face problems because it’s awkward and uncomfortable. But what if I don’t want to say I love you the the person who kicked me out? Idk if I said this on here yet, but my mum sent me and my sister to our grandparents so her ex boyfriend could live there instead. Sure, it’s only for a couple of days, but it really shows me her priorities😒. But she has the audacity to f**cking call me and tell me she loves me and hug me when I clearly don’t want her anywhere near me. I don’t want some drug addict, good for nothing mum. I know I’m being harsh, but Yall wouldn’t get it. I’ve been putting up with her shit for 13 years and never once thought twice about it. But 13 years of built up anger is finally being realised and I’m. f**cking. Pissed.
The only time my family EVER acknowledged one of our problems was when they found out I cut, and that was forgotten about in less than a week. There was no ‘I’m here for you’ ‘we love you’ it was just ‘what the f**k are you doing to yourself? Disgusting.’
Maybe I’m expecting too much. Yeah, I know I am. I shouldn’t expect anything from them. I know I’ve mentioned about how they reacted to my self harm and depression before but I’m still pissed about it. Like I just needed someone to be there for me and nobody was. I had to help myself out of that.
I don’t want to be told to smile, or be happy. Not by the people who are the reasons for my pain. I don’t want to be near any of them anymore. But I have to deal with this shit for so many more years. It seems like a lifetime away right now. When I’m 16 I’m going to leave. I know it’s stupid and I haven’t thought it through, but anywhere is better than here. I don’t know if I’ll even last until I’m 16.
Ik I should talk to my family about it but I can already imagine that conversation with my mum.
‘I love you’
‘Leave me alone’
‘Don’t talk to me like that. I’m your mother, show some respect’
‘Yeah, what a mother you are’
‘Don’t be like that, your my everything. Your my firstborn. And I know it’s been hard, but we’re ok now, right?’

I shit you not, that’s how every serious conversation with her goes and she doesn’t leave me alone. She corners me and traps me and squeezes an ‘I love you’ out of me. I can’t take it anymore. I feel like I’ve been broken. I can feel the pit in my stomach and my hearts been f**cking screwed up and thrown aside. I’ve ignored it until now, but I can’t avoid it anymore. I can’t remember what it’s like to smile and actually mean it. Smile of genuine happiness, and not just laughing at some random joke. I’m not that good at hiding it. Someone will notice. My grandparents are already making comments about it. ‘Talk to us more often’ ‘what’s wrong with you’ ‘why aren’t you smiling. Smile.’
I want some time alone but I never get any. Whenever I try go anywhere I get stopped or someone comes with me. If I tell them to leave me alone they get pissed. If I try go outside my mum shouts at me asking where I’m going and saying I can’t go alone. If I try close my door to cry my sister comes in and bugs me then tells me off when I tell her to f**k off. I might just kick start my rebel phase and start to sneak out because otherwise I’ll never get time to just be sad and not have to pretend. I can’t drop my act even when I’m in my own room.
My family make me feel like a freak. I wear a mask most of the time now, I only really take it off for showers and when I go to bed. It makes me feel safe. But they’re calling me weird and pushing me to take it off because they ‘don’t have lurgie.’ I already feel bad enough and they’re just adding to my already long list of problems
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Re: My rant. No need to respond

Postby ØNamelessØ » Thu Apr 22, 2021 10:14 pm

I probably repeated a lot and it won’t make sense, my thoughts are running at a million miles a minute rn😅
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Re: My rant. No need to respond

Postby Selenelion » Thu Apr 22, 2021 10:38 pm

I'm sorry
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Re: My rant. No need to respond

Postby ØNamelessØ » Fri Apr 23, 2021 1:56 pm

Kay this is my ranting about my mum post, because I’m angry again😀

I had a decent day at school. But I just got back to my mums house. She’s acting like nothing happened. It’s not like I didn’t expect that it would be like this, but it still hurts, probably more than it should. She had the AUDACITY to give me my iPad and tv as an apology. Both are birthday and Christmas gifts from my grandparents that she sold off to a pawn shop for money to pay off her drug debt, or ‘electric bills’ as she likes to call it.
I recently realised that I have germaphobia. (I’ve been like this for a while, but I didn’t know it had a name till recently.)It’s not too bad though. I’m kinda figuring it out as I go along. So far I know that I can be comfortable around certain people. ‘Safe people’ is what they’re called apparently. I don’t have a safe person. I was sure that my mum would be one, but she’s not. But she still hugs me. And invades my personal space. And she just finished being pissed because I wouldn’t take my mask off and washed my hands after she touched me. God, I’m gonna have to take like seven showers to get all the f**cking dirt off of me. Who tf does she think she is, kissing my head and hair where I can’t sanitise?
Anyway I’ll probably post again later because I know she won’t stop annoying me.
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Re: My rant. No need to respond

Postby ØNamelessØ » Fri Apr 23, 2021 6:17 pm

Heya me again and I’m pissed. I’m gonna keep posting how I feel on here so I can look back in the future or use it as evidence to get away from her if I get the chance.
She won’t leave me alone. I’ve been back at her house for what, five hours, and I’m already past my limit. She thinks she’s the only one struggling. She thinks she’s the only one affected by this.
She’s hugging me one minute and shouting at me the next. She’s getting on at me for not putting my washing away, or not closing my window. She’ll just come and randomly mess around with shit in my room and ask me questions even though I clearly don’t want to talk. I’m sick of it already. She gets pissed off when I sound slightly annoyed with her. She shouted at me a couple minutes ago because I don’t look happy enough.
I’m going to break, sonner rather than later. She doesn’t understand how much she’s hurting me and even if I do tell her she still won’t let me be. I’ll probably get kicked out again.
They say people who commit suicide go to hell, right? Well hell would be better than here. I’d rather have the physical pain than this emotional pain. She’s acting bipolar or something, her moods going from one extreme to another. I can’t deal with her mental breakdown. The least she could do is suffer on her own and now come into my room on the verge of tears when I’m already biting back a river. Me, a 13 year old girl with no support can do it so why can’t she, a 30 something year old with plenty of mates?
I can’t deal with this anymore
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Re: My rant. No need to respond

Postby Selenelion » Sat Apr 24, 2021 2:20 am

it will get better. That's what keeps me here. I won't let my mom win, so I keep fighting. Someday, I'll be safe and loved, and so will you. It's what we deserve.
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Re: My rant. No need to respond

Postby ØNamelessØ » Sat Apr 24, 2021 10:44 am

Thank you. I sure hope so
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Re: My rant. No need to respond

Postby PositiveVibes08 » Sat Apr 24, 2021 10:48 am

Hey, Lex, I can't help, butI'm here if you need to talk, or have a laugh.
✨Sparks✨
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Re: My rant. No need to respond

Postby Kearstenk » Sat Apr 24, 2021 8:24 pm

Hey your not alone! I feel the same way with both my mom and dad! I've thought about running away and suicide. Just know that those aren't the answers and im 100% on your side. Im here if you ever need someone to talk to about anything.
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Re: My rant. No need to respond

Postby ØNamelessØ » Sun Apr 25, 2021 2:54 am

I’m on a hunger strike.
I know that sounds childish and ridiculous but hear me out. I only eat at home anyway, and when I do it’s only abit. I have a small appetite and small amounts of food fill me up. So I had an idea. If I stop pretending to eat more than I do she’ll start to worry. I’ll still be eating the same, maybe a little less, but she won’t know that because I pretend to eat more so she doesn’t physically shove food down my throat. I could do with losing the weight anyway, so this is win-win. Even better if I end up passing out from starvation. Maybe then she’ll realise what a shitty mum she is and how much she’s been neglecting me. She needs a wake up call, and I know I’m going to ridiculously extreme lengths, but this is like the only thing I haven’t tried.
Ahahaha I sound so childish and stupid, now that I read that back. Oh well, doesn’t matter. Btw don’t try and stop me, I’m going to do it. Not backing out.
Anywayyyy today was abit better. She left me alone. I had to ask her to get me some ingredients for food tech, it sucked because I hate asking for anything. It’s so awkward and shameless to me to straight up ask for something to the point where I just won’t unless it affects my school or friendships.
It was awful. I hate asking her of all people. But she’s the only one who can get me stuff I need. She seemed way too happy that I asked her for something. Probably something about her constant need to feel wanted and needed.
Oh but earlier in the day she called me all sorts of names. I asked if I could go to the park alone for a bit, I figured she’d say yes as it was midday and the park is like literally a minute drive from here, 4 minutes walk, max, but noooo. She said my social worker didn’t want me going out alone, which is a blatant lie because she was the one who told me I need to be alone for abit sometimes. She then proceeded to call me awkward, over and over again. ‘Your being awkward’ ‘you knew that I can’t let you’ ‘are you doing this to make me feel bad?’ ‘Oh so your guilt tripping me’ ‘don’t be so awkward.’ ‘Awkward.’ ‘Awkward.’
I shit you not, there are all things she said, repeating them over and over. I genuinely feel like I’m going crazy. I thought I was going to break right there. I hate when she gets like that. It happens way too often. She knows that I was genuinely asking if I could go, but she wanted me too feel bad. I’m sick of this.
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