Is my marriage worth saving or am I being a fool?

Relationship with your partner

Is my marriage worth saving or am I being a fool?

Postby Mum+wifey_5 » Sun May 09, 2021 5:55 pm

Hi guys I have been married now for 11 years this year and have 3 kids with my hubby.
Over the last 9 years I have found sexual messages on 4/5 occasions that my husband has sent to random ladies, that he swears blind he has never actually met and only sent the messages when we were going through a dry spell as it's a turn on.
He has always apologised and We've moved forward because we love each other and don't want to end our relationship.
However after having what I felt was a relationship changing chat a week ago about everything that has happened over the course of our marriage, and him swearing he would never do anything like that again, 3 days later I caught him messaging ladies again.
He gave me his phone so I could see exactly what he had written and he promised he is literally just messaging these strangers as it's a turn on, and he has never cheated on me and never would.

My head was telling me I should just end it coz I don't have that trust with him, but my heart wants me to stay and fight for us.
He has cried and begged me to stay and offered to attend marriage counselling etc and do whatever it takes to keep me coz I'm the love of his life.
Am I being a fool if I stay or does love conquer all and actually we could survive this?
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Re: Is my marriage worth saving or am I being a fool?

Postby Kamalama » Sun May 09, 2021 6:44 pm

Sorry someone who does this does not love and respect you. You have caught him more than once and that's more than enough. He's only sorry he got caught....Whether he has physically cheated or not is irrelevant, he is disrespecting you and your relationship. Pretty sure if the opportunity presented itself for the physical stuff he'd take it. There are many things in a relationship you can forgive and move on from but this is continual. Think about how what hes doing and how it makes you feel? Sick, worthless, ill and sad plus more no doubt, why allow anyone to make you feel like that? Instead of finding ways to turn himself on, should he not be working on his marriage? Sorry if it's not what you want to hear.
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Re: Is my marriage worth saving or am I being a fool?

Postby Ever-ely » Sun May 09, 2021 8:24 pm

He has proven to you time and time again that he will not change. Stop expecting him to change. He won’t. You need to decide if you’re willing to live with this and accept this or if it’s a deal breaker. Clearly he is willing to be open with you about it if he’s showing you and not blatantly denying it. Could you learn to live with it if he continued with the messages and kept it open for you to see and be a part of it if you wanted to?
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Re: Is my marriage worth saving or am I being a fool?

Postby Allie88 » Mon May 10, 2021 8:40 am

You have a marriage of 11 years and 3 kids together. At the end of the day, through a course of a marriage, having kids having daily struggles a lot will change. A lot of things will happen. Before tossing in a towel - you're married not just dating, and theres 3 kids so you gotta take everything into consideration before you toss in the towel.

What have both of you done through the course of your marriage to keep "you" as a couple alive and a priority or did you both park yourselves completely and only focus on kids?

It sucks to be in a relationship where you feel you dont matter, but what is it that you need and want from your partner whether its your husband or someone else?

Honestly, you guys should get couples therapy, i dont think theres just one side to the story. Its shitty hes being like this, but a man breaking down and crying also tells me that maybe hes overwhelmed with how things are, home, life, 3 kids. Maybe he feels neglected and unloved just as you do. There's a lot of maybes - and they would still be excuses in some way over his actions. However all that being said - before you toss in the towel you really should consider everything, get therapy together and alone if needs be - for BOTH of you.

On a side note, yes every relationship has a potential to survive far worse than all of this - if both people are willing to talk, change and make active permanent changes on both sides. Before we got married we had a colossal amount of issues which myself and my husband worked hard through because we thought it was worth it, and it was. One major permanent change he had to adopt and hes getting better with it year on year is his snappiness; im working and getting still better at al not constantly jabbing back with "well you could" and some really harsh criticism. Its two things that when they happen during an argument that escalate things from 0 to 100 in seconds. Because all id do for years is just criticise that nothing was ever enough. I demanded he would make amends for his wrongs without even giving true intention of actual forgiveness for something that happened years prior. And its stuff like this that just slowly beats down a man and they change to someone they weren't before, someone they aren't when they start thinking they aren't good enough, they never have been, wont be etc. They have failed. Its abusive.

However, in your situation, we dont know what your daily marriage is like apart from bad times of you finding out those messages. Marriage ain't a walk in the park. Its easy for bystanders to say "aye, just toss the towel in move on" and you could potentially do that on something that was in fact worth working through - at the very least so you would neither have regrets or doubts about the end in future. So final decision should be yours, you cant hand off responsibility to anyone else over this. Something tells me you actually want to get through this and work this out - and if thats so, both of you need to put in your 100% into working together as a team and making active changes and a right counselor. First one you start with might not be it, so try and see how it goes, if its not well - try another counselor - because not every counselor will be what you both need.
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Re: Is my marriage worth saving or am I being a fool?

Postby Mum+wifey_5 » Mon May 10, 2021 10:42 am

Thank you so much for your input.
You are 100% right, i know I have not been an angel and may have possibly neglected him which is why he looked for attention elsewhere.
I definitely want to work through this if we can as to me marriage is for life, but so far you are the only person that has suggested we work at it. So as silly as it is I started doubting myself. But yes I certainly want to try as he is my everything so will definitely be looking into counselling.
Thank you so much xx
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Re: Is my marriage worth saving or am I being a fool?

Postby Allie88 » Mon May 10, 2021 11:36 am

Definitely dont go down the route of "i neglected him", i think its too easy to give that way out - BUT at the same time its far more plausible that you BOTH have equally neglected yourselves, each other AND your relationship. Think of a relationship as a 3rd person in there - if you neglect it, dont take care of it, dont nurture it - what will happen to it?

There's gotta be input from both sides equally and willingly for it to work. Simple as.

Ending it is the easy part - but its so highly probably that every subsequent relationship at one point will have same, similar or other issues there - so how does one cope with them before they grow into problems. Hence counseling, if it doesn't fix this relationship - it will be your strong and healthy foundation for future ones because you will heal yourself but also find better ways of coping and growing in a relationship either current or future one.
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Re: Is my marriage worth saving or am I being a fool?

Postby VideyaRuune » Thu May 13, 2021 4:56 am

His mind seeks endorphins... that guy needs some oxytocin in his life... you should look up how you could do that for him. Messages and that mental stimulation are hits of brain chemical tryna be pleased .
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Re: Is my marriage worth saving or am I being a fool?

Postby Darling_ding flower » Thu May 13, 2021 4:00 pm

Communication
What does he find attractive in these ladies?
How are you two kept the marriage spicy, interesting, relaxed, enjoyable?

Do you have any common interest you share? Any plans projects? Activities you do together?

Not throwing shade but how have you two kept up your figures?

If he just wants to wet his di*k then it’s better to break it off
But if there is genuine situation that pushes him to these behaviors. You two can work on it.

What other qualities do you see in him? Is he helpful around the house? Is he a good father? What do you like about him? Does he listen to you? Vice versa

You can go to marriage counseling for a few sessions then you can make up your mind based on what he says is the “problem”

Most importantly You have to think about yourself first. Love yourself first. Respect yourself first. Take care of yourself first.
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