I am trying so hard and I just need to vent.

Relationship with your partner

I am trying so hard and I just need to vent.

Postby baby_kakes15 » Mon Apr 26, 2021 9:38 am

Hi,I am 20 years old and I got married at 19, we haven't been married a year yet but I recently have discovered how unstable I have been since I ended my first impactful relationship. I rushed into marriage out of fear and the need for security due to my horrible experience. I faked sexual attraction throughout my whole relationship because I believed him being my best friend and the most amazing man to me was enough. It isn't. I feel like I have been missing the sexual attraction for so long and I can't help but feel attracted to other men. Of course I would never act on it before ending my commitment to my husband.I am seeing a psychologist so that I can find a way to spark the attraction I seem to miss towards my husband but my appointment is not until may 13th. The problem is, things are progressively getting worse. I can't help but distance myself from him and it hurts him. My problems are all on me and I can't tell him how I feel yet because I don't know how to do it without breaking his heart. I can only ask him to have patience with me because I want to make this work. Each day I feel more suffocated by my choices and in pain because I know I've hurt the person I love the most in the world and I feel so helpless at the moment. I am not necessarily seeking advice but I am always open minded. Also, please don't take this as an opportunity to bash on me. I know everything I've done is horrible.
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Re: I am trying so hard and I just need to vent.

Postby MixedCouple » Mon Apr 26, 2021 12:06 pm

Hiya. So at the end you said you Love him the most in this world.
So that is something to tell him when you do decide to speak with him.
Sexual attraction etc can be rekindled and it is something that matures. When I was 20 the type of people I was attracted to now thinking back on it thank God I never married any of them. My taste has most definitely changed.
I wouldn't throw away a relationship becuase of that becuase with life experince and growing together and maturity you can become sexually attracted as your tastes mature.
Yes you got married for thw wrong reasons which is not fair on your partner but your here now if you can make it work make it work esepcially if he is wondetful and is patient.
Trust me you can be sexually attracted to someone and they can be complete potatoes. Don't lose a good person if you don't have to and can avoid it.
Try that's all you can do.
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Re: I am trying so hard and I just need to vent.

Postby Germane95 » Mon Apr 26, 2021 12:29 pm

Or the kindest thing you can do is tell him how you feel and let him go, because he deserves happiness and so do you, but you are doing him more good by letting him know than making him feel unwanted and pushing him away without letting him know even why. If you love him please let him go. He deserves to know why at least.
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Re: I am trying so hard and I just need to vent.

Postby Ever-ely » Mon Apr 26, 2021 8:07 pm

MixedCouple wrote:Hiya. So at the end you said you Love him the most in this world.
So that is something to tell him when you do decide to speak with him.
Sexual attraction etc can be rekindled and it is something that matures. When I was 20 the type of people I was attracted to now thinking back on it thank God I never married any of them. My taste has most definitely changed.
I wouldn't throw away a relationship becuase of that becuase with life experince and growing together and maturity you can become sexually attracted as your tastes mature.
Yes you got married for thw wrong reasons which is not fair on your partner but your here now if you can make it work make it work esepcially if he is wondetful and is patient.
Trust me you can be sexually attracted to someone and they can be complete potatoes. Don't lose a good person if you don't have to and can avoid it.
Try that's all you can do.

Totally agree! Sexual attraction actually has a lot to do with how someone makes you feel, not about how they look. You’re not going to be young and beautiful forever and you can’t expect your partner to be either. It’s perfectly natural to be attracted to other people so long as it doesn’t go beyond looking and admiring. But if you base a relationship on looks, unfortunately you are setting yourself up for disappointment. If your husband isn’t making you feel how you want to feel than show him what he needs to do. It’s a two way street you’re not the only one that needs to put effort in. Teach him what to do to turn you on.
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Re: I am trying so hard and I just need to vent.

Postby Monty709 » Tue Apr 27, 2021 4:34 am

baby_kakes15 wrote:Hi,I am 20 years old and I got married at 19, we haven't been married a year yet but I recently have discovered how unstable I have been since I ended my first impactful relationship. I rushed into marriage out of fear and the need for security due to my horrible experience. I faked sexual attraction throughout my whole relationship because I believed him being my best friend and the most amazing man to me was enough. It isn't. I feel like I have been missing the sexual attraction for so long and I can't help but feel attracted to other men. Of course I would never act on it before ending my commitment to my husband.I am seeing a psychologist so that I can find a way to spark the attraction I seem to miss towards my husband but my appointment is not until may 13th. The problem is, things are progressively getting worse. I can't help but distance myself from him and it hurts him. My problems are all on me and I can't tell him how I feel yet because I don't know how to do it without breaking his heart. I can only ask him to have patience with me because I want to make this work. Each day I feel more suffocated by my choices and in pain because I know I've hurt the person I love the most in the world and I feel so helpless at the moment. I am not necessarily seeking advice but I am always open minded. Also, please don't take this as an opportunity to bash on me. I know everything I've done is horrible.


Not saying that I condone arranged marriages, but I believe they can work and I believe your situation is very similar. My suggestion would be to find one thing you like about him everyday and write it down in a notebook. See how many things you can come up with and decide if giving all of it up simply based on physical attraction is worth it. Sometimes you can become so focused on one negative thing that you miss all of the positives. This same exercise can be done by someone who says they have fallen out of love with their spouse. Sometimes that is not the case. Relationships evolve and change over time causing one to feel like the love is gone. They begin to focus on the negatives and lose sight of all the positives of their spouse. It's important to shift your train of thought to help you gain a better perspective. And it is important to note that physical attraction can grow over time when you are with someone that truly loves you and treats you well. There are a lot of women on these forums who would trade physical attraction for someone who treated them with love, respect, and dignity....so be careful what fish you toss back. There is no guarantee you will be happier with someone else.
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Re: I am trying so hard and I just need to vent.

Postby Hanni108 » Tue Apr 27, 2021 4:53 am

I agree with the other girls. Before deciding to throw the towel in make sure you are certain if you can never have any physical satisfaction with him, I think that's pretty rare as long as both you and your husband are open minded about trying new things and learning to please each other. Just because he's not the type you would drool over doesn't mean that he can't learn to please you sexually very satisfyingly. If literally everything else is great, then there are things you can try.

Have you tried spicing things up? Is it purely just you find him physically hideous and nothing can fix that?? Or is it something you can work together to improve? Would he be more attractive if he acted a certain way in the bedroom? Would specific sexual activities, toys, role play, etc etc make things more exciting? Heck have you ever tried having s*x blindfolded lol? That can actually be really fun, you can get your partner to focus on you you feel much more vulnerable and open, and you can let go without being distracted by your judgements. All these things you can present as you being bored with the status quo and wanting to try something new, rather than crushing his self esteem by telling him he's npt attractive.... Is it something that could be improved with better fitness or diet? If so you can introduce it as something to do together.

If all else fails you can also try couples/intimacy counselling.
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Re: I am trying so hard and I just need to vent.

Postby Allie88 » Tue Apr 27, 2021 8:18 am

baby_kakes15 wrote:Hi,I am 20 years old and I got married at 19, we haven't been married a year yet but I recently have discovered how unstable I have been since I ended my first impactful relationship. I rushed into marriage out of fear and the need for security due to my horrible experience. I faked sexual attraction throughout my whole relationship because I believed him being my best friend and the most amazing man to me was enough. It isn't. I feel like I have been missing the sexual attraction for so long and I can't help but feel attracted to other men. Of course I would never act on it before ending my commitment to my husband.I am seeing a psychologist so that I can find a way to spark the attraction I seem to miss towards my husband but my appointment is not until may 13th. The problem is, things are progressively getting worse. I can't help but distance myself from him and it hurts him. My problems are all on me and I can't tell him how I feel yet because I don't know how to do it without breaking his heart. I can only ask him to have patience with me because I want to make this work. Each day I feel more suffocated by my choices and in pain because I know I've hurt the person I love the most in the world and I feel so helpless at the moment. I am not necessarily seeking advice but I am always open minded. Also, please don't take this as an opportunity to bash on me. I know everything I've done is horrible.


You haven't been even married a year and its simply not working - why try to force yourself to this extent and not just let go, move on and take serious lessons from this?
You've realised you married the wrong person - give him a chance to find a right one and same for you.

Ofc through counseling as you begin to work out your issues you may come to realisation more and more that he isn't that guy you actually want to spend the rest of your life with - and thats ok. Just move on. You know what would be truly breaking his heart? - committing to 30 years of loveless marriage where one person is pushing themselves to love him when they dont really. You aren't ready to be married and even if you truly care for him, this relationship isn't right for you, so part of being grown up is knowing how to do the adult thing and end things amicably.

Also, stop being so critically hurtful towards yourself, you did nothing wrong - its a mistake and you are so painfully young! Trust me, stuff like this happens far more than you realise, rushing into marriage is always a bad idea but ofc at a time you thought it was right. So stop beating yourself up and think - would you feel right and would you feel better if you were truly single right now - cause what youre describing is feeling suffocated because you feel trapped in a situation you dont want. To me this isn't fixable by staying. But it is something you need to think and decide for yourself and you should talk it out with your husband tbh so you aren't the only one making this decision.

I think its naive to think you need to trade one for the other - re physical attraction. Physical attraction also comes from emotional attraction, perhaps you do love him but not the way that would make you want to make love to him soo... do toss in that towel better sooner than later with his knowledge, understanding and both of you making the decision.
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Re: I am trying so hard and I just need to vent.

Postby Oviedo2 » Tue Apr 27, 2021 11:44 am

Well, I don’t agree with the ones who say keep trying and see if you can spark up that sexual attraction feeling. Based off what you’re saying, you never gave yourself time to heal from your impactful relationship. That’s where you went wrong. Trying to rush into marriage, for what? I’m guessing to make yourself feel as if you “made it.” Marriage isn’t the goal, being happy is. You see a lot of people married and miserable(me for example but Im now getting a divorce.) If you don’t feel the same towards him, let the man go, you’re with someone else’s husband. This whole not wanting to let a good man go, that someone previously commented about, is selfish. Talk to him and explain it will not work. Give yourself time to heal, go to counseling. There’s a saying that goes “hurt people, HURT people.” There is also a difference between being IN love with him, and having love FOR him. Which I also believe you are confused about when you say you have hurt the person you love the most. I don’t think that’s accurate. I think he is the person you have the most love FOR, most likely because he treats you right. When my marriage turned irreconcilable, I began talking to another guy who it was just amazing being with. Our talks got so deep. I would pour my heart out to him about my past and what all I’ve been through and he’d do the same. We began to have s*x and it was just so... 💣. The feelings we had for each other expressed themselves during s*x. For a long time, I thought I was in love with him. Then one day I began to actually analyze our situationship and I realized we BOTH weren’t IN LOVE with each other. We were both hurt at the time we began the whole relationship. I told him my thought about us not being in love with each other like we thought but we had a lot of love FOR each other, it made sense to him as well. We both rushed into this relationship to not feel the pain from our previous relationship. We are still good friends and are both going through our own healing process. He made me feel more things the 6 months I knew him than I ever felt in my 3 year relationship with my husband. Not sure if you see where I’m going at. In my situation, we both felt the same, not in love but having love for each other, which is why we could make it work as a friends relationship. But your situation, it’s one sided. It will not work, not as friends, not as lovers. Let him go.
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Re: I am trying so hard and I just need to vent.

Postby baby_kakes15 » Tue May 04, 2021 1:18 am

Allie88 wrote:
baby_kakes15 wrote:Hi,I am 20 years old and I got married at 19, we haven't been married a year yet but I recently have discovered how unstable I have been since I ended my first impactful relationship. I rushed into marriage out of fear and the need for security due to my horrible experience. I faked sexual attraction throughout my whole relationship because I believed him being my best friend and the most amazing man to me was enough. It isn't. I feel like I have been missing the sexual attraction for so long and I can't help but feel attracted to other men. Of course I would never act on it before ending my commitment to my husband.I am seeing a psychologist so that I can find a way to spark the attraction I seem to miss towards my husband but my appointment is not until may 13th. The problem is, things are progressively getting worse. I can't help but distance myself from him and it hurts him. My problems are all on me and I can't tell him how I feel yet because I don't know how to do it without breaking his heart. I can only ask him to have patience with me because I want to make this work. Each day I feel more suffocated by my choices and in pain because I know I've hurt the person I love the most in the world and I feel so helpless at the moment. I am not necessarily seeking advice but I am always open minded. Also, please don't take this as an opportunity to bash on me. I know everything I've done is horrible.


You haven't been even married a year and its simply not working - why try to force yourself to this extent and not just let go, move on and take serious lessons from this?
You've realised you married the wrong person - give him a chance to find a right one and same for you.

Ofc through counseling as you begin to work out your issues you may come to realisation more and more that he isn't that guy you actually want to spend the rest of your life with - and thats ok. Just move on. You know what would be truly breaking his heart? - committing to 30 years of loveless marriage where one person is pushing themselves to love him when they dont really. You aren't ready to be married and even if you truly care for him, this relationship isn't right for you, so part of being grown up is knowing how to do the adult thing and end things amicably.

Also, stop being so critically hurtful towards yourself, you did nothing wrong - its a mistake and you are so painfully young! Trust me, stuff like this happens far more than you realise, rushing into marriage is always a bad idea but ofc at a time you thought it was right. So stop beating yourself up and think - would you feel right and would you feel better if you were truly single right now - cause what youre describing is feeling suffocated because you feel trapped in a situation you dont want. To me this isn't fixable by staying. But it is something you need to think and decide for yourself and you should talk it out with your husband tbh so you aren't the only one making this decision.

I think its naive to think you need to trade one for the other - re physical attraction. Physical attraction also comes from emotional attraction, perhaps you do love him but not the way that would make you want to make love to him soo... do toss in that towel better sooner than later with his knowledge, understanding and both of you making the decision.

I started dating him immediately after my last relationship that went on and off for five years ended horribly. It was all passion and attraction and want but no commitment from him and it scared me. When I started going on dates with my husband he became my best friend in the whole world and treated me like royalty. Most importantly, he was more than willing to commit to me and that made me feel safe and loved. I didn't realize that passion and attraction was so important until I started to miss the way my ex made me feel by just looking at me. (No I don't not want my ex back but I want a balance where I can get the security I need and at least a similar passion to make me feel amazing). I only feel horrible because I know I am a smart and confident young lady and I hate that I didn't pay attention to the signs earlier. My family raised me catholic and so when I wanted to take the next step with my now husband to move and live with him my mother made me feel stupid for trying to take such a step with a man without him committing fully to me. And because lost (I didn't give it willing) my precious virginity to my ex without him committing to me I was scared so I married my husband due to those factors. I scheduled my first appointment for counseling because I want to try and make this work and see if my relationship has the potential to work now since we are so young and if it doesn't then at least we figured it out early on. I am still at war with myself constantly because I feel like I trapped myself but I also know my husband is a literal angel and I thank God that I have been blessed to come across such a wonderful man.
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Re: I am trying so hard and I just need to vent.

Postby Bilqees » Tue May 04, 2021 1:33 am

Hello honey
I feel you want everything to work out. And you regocnise the problem and owned it. You already have a plan, so you are very smart by looks of it....you have a good head on ypur shoulders. Trust in yourself, your heart and your gut.
You really are trying, so take it one step at a time.
Everything worth having and fighting for takes.time and effort. And in the end you wont regret it. Have faith and believe that it will work out for you.
Sending all positve thoughts...
Everything of the best..
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