TW: SA/r*pe

Relationship with your partner

TW: SA/r*pe

Postby Casper02 » Wed May 12, 2021 12:22 pm

Hey uh, so this is a really heavy topic, but im hoping somebody on here could help, or at least give me a starting point to working through my issues.

Im 18, and ive had 3 serious boyfriends, 1 which im in now, 2 who are exs. Both of my exs were extremely pushy when it came to s*x and intimacy, and my most recent ex coerced me into s*x, then didnt stop until id asked 3 times. He guilted me a lot for not putting out and giving him blueballs all the time, told me blueballs can give them testicular cancer (which ive since found out isnt true? I think?) And anyway basically just coerced and guilted me into s*x when I wasnt ready for it.
I never felt safe with anyone before in an intimate nature because it had always been about them and their pleasure. My current boyfriend, on the other hand, is always extremely careful with me, hes constantly asking for consent (something im not used to) and checking in on safewords etc. He makes me feel really really safe and secure, and i feel ready with him, i want it with him (i never did with either of the others) however the thought of s*x makes me sick to my stomach with dread and anxiety from the trauma of my past relationships, and i panic very easily with things of sexual nature.
Does anyone have any pointers or suggestions on how to work through this fear and anxiety around s*x? I dont have any problems with oral s*x or handjobs or things like that, its only like, proper s*x that scares me.
And please dont suggest a therapist, i know that, im working towards finding one im just a broke university student who struggles to pay rent let alone therapy appointments. I am really trying, but for now im wondering if anyone has any other advice, especially if youre someone whos gone through something similar. Dont feel pressured though. Any help is welcome. Thankyou so much xxx
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Re: TW: SA/r*pe

Postby Rose Yiun » Wed May 12, 2021 12:53 pm

I am 17 and my marriage is after 1 day i never had boyfriend i never had any sexual experience before i am feeling so sick thinking all this i am very touch sensitive and i don't know how it feels first time having this.I am very very nervous and also its my arrange marriage .
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Re: TW: SA/r*pe

Postby Allie88 » Wed May 12, 2021 12:55 pm

Talk to him. Take things slow, if he truly cares for you he will not push you towards anything you aren't ready for - and thats advice from someone who has gone through abuse in the past. Those exs need to be given blue balls from a baseball bat. Am sorry you had to go through such tough things. Its not fair.
Relationships are much more than just s*x, its also emotional connection to want to have s*x together. When you can afford and if you still feel this affecting you do seek therapy - it easily maybe be even years from now when you may realise its still affecting you - so when that time comes and you can afford it, dont even second guess or hesitate - just do it. (what youre describing is trauma, and trauma doesnt vanish or just goes away, it often resurfaces at stressful points in life)

Other than that, self help books you can cheaply get on amazon in e-format even if you dont have kindle, you can get a kindle app on pc or phone and use it that way. Talking to your current bf and explaining this all honestly in either outcome - will save you a lot of anxiety and heartache, if hes supportive = fantastic. If he turns out to be another di*k = you didn't have to push yourself to suffer more. Its always a risk. But know this, when a guy truly respects a girl and cares for her a lot, he wont judge, he wont hold anything against you or think less of you, he will care for you he will continue respecting you and that hell of a lot better than staying silent and suffering alone and him not knowing why theres this invisible wall he cant get through.

I opened up to my now husband about sexual abuse and everything i had gone through growing up a year into our relationship and it was terrifying, but the right people will always support you no matter what. I never regretted it, i only regretted it that i didn't sooner and that i suffered alone.
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Re: TW: SA/r*pe

Postby Casper02 » Mon May 17, 2021 12:11 am

My current bf is very much aware of my past and he never pushes me to do anything. My main concern isnt him, hes an angel, its the fact i want this but cant out of fear and stuff. Thankyou very much for the advice, ill look into ebooks and stuff, and i always planned on going to therapy when i can afford it
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Re: TW: SA/r*pe

Postby Kamalama » Mon May 17, 2021 5:46 am

If this is all still recent, it's still early days. There is no rush for anything like this, try to stop putting pressure on yourself the intimacy will come with time. Like Allie said if your new boyfriend is a decent guy he will understand which in turn may make you feel secure and comfortable. I don't know which country you live in, but is there maybe some charities who would deal with abuse and trauma? If not books may help, different therapies work for different may re surface time and time again but if you can equip yourself with healthy coping mechanisms you will be ok. Don't let what happened ruin your mind and life, if anything take any small positive you can from a terrible situation and use it to make you stronger.
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Re: TW: SA/r*pe

Postby Girl2508 » Wed May 19, 2021 9:55 am

You are so young. Why must you be in a serious relationship at that age? It's not mandatory to even be with someone. You should be at the finding urself, being a young woman, school, stage. Just take time out to discovery, understand and learn about s*x. You are young both in age and mind. The so called boyfriends know that reason why your No means nothing to them. Tomorrow might be an STD, pregnancy, depression all because you did not give yourself time to grow. You are already showing signs of damage from previous relationships. Time to stop. Go to therapy and just be a child
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